When the trigger presents, better pay attention.
Some days I just can’t help but wake up at 4:20 am and pour my thoughts into words; not as a means of expressing, but as a means of exploration, for myself.
Perhaps triggered by Louise LeBrun’s latest provocative blog post, or the third week of the Living Fully Through Conscious Choice program I am participating in [focusing on the power centre of the body (fire)], but the thoughts peculating in my body these days are centered around the notion of “being”. Just being, and noticing how I fill my time and space. I am weary, particularly of all the places and spaces within my day I try to fill with mindless consumption of social media or Netflix (I gave up other sources of “entertainment” a long time ago, and never looked back). I notice all the moments where discomfort comes up in my body and I habitually turn on the TV or grab my phone to scroll away, ingesting nothing of meaning or of substance. As I notice this, I also note the collapsed feeling in my body, the caving in, and I wonder…
What happens to the essence of my being in that exact moment that I choose habitual living that keeps me stagnated and shuts out my very essence? Where does the “I” that I AM go? In what ways have I become the habit that brings no meaning in my life? Who do I become in moments where living choice-point down reinforces all that I have ever known? Is there even the slightest possibility of growth and expansion when I choose to collapse my Self into the prisons of the past?
A more resourceful line of inquiry ponders …
Who am I capable of becoming when I allow more of “me” to descend and be fully present in the experience of the moment, noticing it for what it is? What happens inside of me when I pay attention to the process of how I live my life? Who am I capable of becoming when that process becomes blatantly visible, and I choose presence instead of absence? Matter of fact, I am curious — why is the essence of awareness that I AM on this physical plane at all?! …surely, it cannot be to consume targeted propaganda via abusive and invasive ads on the likes of Facebook and Instagram.
When living from the past no longer serves my emerging future.
What I know well is this: Every time I go online to distract myself (and it’s all an external distraction), I am living externally referenced. Which means I am not living “in here”, in my body, in the moment, in the now, in the awareness of what is presenting. The expansion that comes from living from the choice point of the moment, vanished.
Even if I am trying to fill my social media with what I “enjoy”, mostly I am left feeling empty, or worse yet, disconnected and discontent. This is particularly true when I notice I am constantly bombarded with endless messages of consumption and drama that trigger collapsing responses of fear, anger, resentment, guilt, and shame.
This is one space I have become aware of where I give my personal fire away. It’s a space that keeps me fixated on the external, living status quo, and stagnated in the past. It is a space where I find little nourishment for my soul, little opportunity for growth. Sure, I can read a meaningful quote…but is the person who posted it living that? I have come to realize it is easy for most people to talk the talk, but how many actually walk the walk? My dad told me a long time ago “Nga e thena ne te bere, eshte ne mes nje det i ter!”. I listen.
So, instead, I am choosing to notice the process of how I have been habitually living as a means to distract myself from the moment and …
I am taking myself down a different path of inquiry…
How can I better fill my time and space in ways that are meaningful to me? That are increasingly more life nourishing? Who do I become, in the places and spaces no longer filled with mindless consumption? How would I fill up the newly found free time? What would I fill that seemingly empty space with?
Perhaps, I’d have more opportunities to just BE, and connect to my own breath. Perhaps, I’d choose to move more, noticing what it feels like to live in my own body. Perhaps I’d choose to write more often, connect with people in more meaningful and expansive ways. Perhaps my creativity would flourish. Perhaps I’d connect more with nature and explore more of its beauty. Perhaps I’d notice where I am unconsciously creating the life I am living. Perhaps, most importantly, I’d become more attuned to noticing not what comes to my awareness, but that I AM awareness itself.
I am curious to find out, in losing “connection” with the world “out there”, how would I become more connected “in here”, where I live?
PS — In the spirit of staying wholly honest, I am not ready to quit social media or Netflix in its entirety — I love seeing pictures of people’s lives and sharing parts of myself online as well as watching T.V. in meaningful ways to me. So that will not change (yet). And, I intend on changing how I use these sources of entertainment so that my actions are more intentional rather than habitual, respecting my own boundaries.