I am beginning to truly believe that no matter what presents in my life, it is all genius. The good, the bad, and the ugly is ALL my creation, conscious or habitual, and it is here to reveal to me more of mySelf, the Signal, the Source. Since that’s the case, how could it ever be “wrong”?
It may hurt, it may seem messed up, it may temporarily make me question “why me!?” … But when I relax into the experience, when I allow myself to ride on the flow of my breath, when I allow my body to process the trillions of bits of information per second without the interference of my puny intellect, the genius of it all reveals itself to me, almost effortlessly. Sometimes it takes but a moment; sometimes I resist and it prolongs much, much longer. But I always know, I own, this is MY creation. This is me manifesting my life. I am now wiser to manifesting meaningfully.
This is why I can never be wrong, for myself. I know what I know and as long as I don’t deny myself the truth of my own experience, I get to live a meaningful life, moment to moment.
The message was clear…never. enough.
I’ve known well what it’s like to continuously and consistently deny myself the truth of my experience. I’m not alone in that; most of us have been conditioned to refer to some external authority for validation, help, or salvation. But how can anyone outside of me be an authority on me?
My truth about it is that so long as I remained externally referenced, aka dependent on anything external… doctors/ psychologists/ drugs/ boys/ girls/ friends/ parents/ teachers/ gurus/ techniques/ systems/ God’s… to help me ‘figure’ out how to solve my internal problems (aka states of being), I remained absolutely stagnated. Addicted to the drama and trauma of it all. Needing others to change themselves. Co-creating, along with my history, a reality that reinforced my anger/ rage/ outrage/ victimization/ powerlessness. Using drugs, sex and rock n roll to escape the mundaneness of it all, the predictability. I was sure I was an ‘addict’. I was sure there was something ‘wrong’ with me. I absolutely needed diagnoses and mood stabilizing drugs/ talk therapy/ psychiatry/ diagnoses/ alcohol/ sex/ partying/ working/ tv/ activism/ raging against the machine… to feel alive. While I often felt temporary relief, it never lasted long. Mostly I felt discontent and disconnected. Reinforcing the perceived powerlessness of just one person. The perceived meaninglessness of life. Existential crisis that led me to the revolving door of attempted suicide countless times. Despite ending up with charcoal down my throat more times than I can count, there was a part of me that knew– Truth of it was, I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t know how to live.
My conditioning had taught me I am irrelevant. Small. Insignificant. I have to fight for my place on this planet. I need status to define my worth. I need money to be valued. I must refer to others to tell me who I should be. If I am right, I cannot change my mind. My history defines me. My culture is right and everyone else is wrong. I can never be pretty enough / young enough / polite enough / soft enough / sexy enough/ modest enough / happy enough / smart enough / quiet enough / petty enough. I can never consume enough. I can never be enough. And I certainly must never be ‘too much’! Oh, and do not dare question God the Almighty.
War is peace. Justice is cages. Drugs are health. Capitalism is freedom. Death is nourishment.
Today I know: I matter because I AM
Today, I know better. I have never been insignificant or irrelevant. I am not powerless. I am not a victim of circumstances. I am not defined by my past, nor my possessions or status. I do no matter not because I do.
I matter because I AM.
(I do not think, therefore I am; I AM, therefore I think.)
When I stop and I ask myself “What AM I?”, I come to viscerally appreciate the absolute majesty, beauty and joy of what it means to BE alive!
I am literally made of the same particles that make up the vastness of the entire universe. I am a string of the same consciousness that interconnects the whole of life past, present, and future. I ride on the breath and experiences of my ancestors. I breathe the same recycled air all of life breathes. Every single breath matters. My thoughts create my reality, and impact our collective reality. The butterfly flaps its wings…
How can I feel small and insignificant when I now know experientially to connect to literally all of life’s wisdom contained within my body?! Connecting with my wisdom, my intuition, guides me only the right direction, for myself. Having learned to now be intuitively intimate with myself, I can never be wrong, for myself. I know I matter. I know I am perfectly perfect exactly as I am, in this moment. I know I am relevant. I know I impact lives. I know I’m a thought virus. I know I am myself, unapologetic. I know I am the Force of Creation expressing in a physical universe. I know I AM magic.
And so is every living Being on this planet, at this time, and beyond.
I sincerely hope someday you sense the magic that you ARE in every cell of your body.
But first, you have to know that you have a choice. You can, if you are willing and able, choose a different context for living your life. Contemplate on what could be; educate yourself on “what else” is available. Not everything that has been presented as Truth, is so. Knowing you have choice is critical; choosing it, for the evolution of yourself, for its own sake…now that’s a whole lotta fun!
Life is GOOD!