A Hairy Crossroad: Trigger For The Pause

Firstly, some thoughts that guide my expression…

What I Want, for My Son…

In a world so vehemently committed to some external duty (be it school, work, to-do list, or mowing the lawn on Saturday), I want my son to know what it’s like to be profoundly committed, first and foremost, to his internal landscape, to his perpetually evolving sense of Self.

In a world run by overwhelm and overdrive, I want him to intimately know what rest feels like. 

In a world where everyone walks around tolerating the intolerable, I want him to abide by his boundaries with deep self-respect and care.

In a world driven by blind compliance, I want him to simply be himself and listen to the truth of his own experience. 

In a world living in denial of its history with little hope for the future, I want my son to know that living in the moment, trusting the power of his Presence to guide his way is the single. most. powerful. way to live.

In a world overwhelmed by scarcity, I want him to trust in an abundant mindset; letting go of the double-binds of either-or. 

In a world where hoarding is considered healthy and a security cushion, I want my son to notice how abundance is found in flow

…In a world conditioned to “act NOW!” (fomo), I want my son to know the power of pause. This is one I’d like to expand on in this piece.

If I want my son to live this way, I must model this way of living to him with every change I get (if not me, then who?)

An Infamous Story of Hair

Hint: It’s not about hair…

I woke up this morning at 4:00 AM to the beeping of some electronic thing or another in my house. It’s been days of unstable, interrupted sleep. I have a story about that — when I don’t sleep I am grumpy and when I’m grumpy life doesn’t go “my way”. This is an old story; me externalizing fault and blame. Really, though, when I choose to stay in that grumpy state I seem to make some misaligned decisions (and I make misaligned decisions when I’m in that grumpy state…). It’s almost as though I can hear the deep, internal message (the voice of wisdom always makes its way through to me), but I simply ignore it…

This has manifested in the form of bad haircuts, too many times in my life. Now, it’s as though I’m  passing that gift along to my son … because that’s how habituated (trauma) responses get unwillingly passed down. 

It isn’t enough to recognize the pattern. When I made the decision that I simply must cut my son’s hair right freaking NOW, I also recognized within myself “this is my pattern”. I knew where this was headed, been there many times before. All I had to do is STOP, take that much needed PAUSE, descend into my body, BREATHE, and give myself permission to not only listen but change my mind, in that moment. 

Instead, I ignored every sign in my body that said not to do this. From the moment I rushed my decision that today is the day of my son’s first haircut, I recognized the pattern…and ignored it.
Everything thereafter, screamed STOP. When I called this specific barber I felt a little nudge going “nope”. But I ignored it. Then, getting myself and my son dressed my body just said fucking stop already in the form of what we might call “anxiety”, but I ignored that too. I even had a hard time finding the right clothes for him! My husband made fun of how I’m passing the trauma of haircuts to our son before we left the house, and I just laughed it off when I knew, don’t go. “Should I cancel?”, I asked out loud. But, it was too late. I’d already set my appointment — and I can’t not honour it! I drove there, and literally, couldn’t find the door. Did I leave then? Nope. I called to ask where the door is. I walk in the door, it’s a space that hadn’t been updated since 1970 — I kid you not. A sole barber listening to the radio — of course, commercials (my favourite!) were playing when I got there. Instead of turning around and leaving, I ask him to turn off the radio cuz it’s making me nervous! Then, I sit down. Instead of asking me what I want for my son’s haircut he simply assumes and starts to cut. In straight lines. I had ample opportunities to just give him my money and walk away…(seems awefully familiar…)When he’s done violating my sons hair (yes, that’s how I feel about this), I get up, pay him and then tip him, too!  
Suffice it to say, I spent the last two days crying (crying!) over hair… 
Again. 

If you’re laughing by now, I get it. It’s fucking hysterical. We are such hilarious creatures — what we do to ourselves is absolutely bonkers. 

History Repeats Itself

Unless we choose differently, in the moment

I had this conversation with the brilliant Sheila Winter Wallace many moons ago when I did the same thing to my own self. In one of her emails, she said “Until we get that we are in the midst of running a closed loop as a strategy – a strategy that would have worked well when we were very young to keep us safe, yet no longer does – we’ll keep on paying for our creations through the bank of our dissatisfaction and fear (of having stifled our rage – our fire – again). We just keep on re-engaging a never-ending mission (sounds military, doesn’t it?) to satisfy that which cannot be satisfied. We expect to be dissatisfied, ‘cause we keep on creating our own evidence to prove it to ourselves. Are you picking up what I am laying down, here?” Yes, Sheila, I am. Such a strong YES to all of that. 

My habitual and therefore first line of inquiry is to ask myself “WHY” would I do this, again? And what I’ve come to discover about myself is that asking why questions keeps me small, contained within a closed-loop with absolutely no answers, no possibility for expansion. As you can see on the logical levels of thinking, why is fairly low on the list… 

Now I’m wondering, has hair become a strategy for my unexpressed fire energy (rage)? Did I create this yet again, and now through my son, as a surrogate to my own expression of fire? Since this is showing up at the identity level, I wonder…what Truth am I not allowing myself to know (to see)?

I have no answers, and I’m willing to sit with the “I don’t know”.  When I reconsider the structure of my reality, I know that’s where power lays…

In another email chain about my own hair “disaster” this summer, Louise LeBrun, founder of WEL-Systems® body of knowledge said to me “From a CODE Model™ perspective, think of ‘hair’ as indicative of an evident Identity.  Clearly, yours is in flux… and as you seek someone else (a stylist) to interpret and make happen from directive what which you seek to manifest, disappointment is inevitable since only you can make it happen.”

Again, a reminder that Creation of a meaningful Life happens top-down (from respecting the messages of the Signal from Self, Signal #1).

This Signal from Self seems to always and consistently know better. The only significant role my intellect has, as the mouse of the whole bio-computer, is to choose. In this case, I like most people who have been so well trained to ignore the Signal from Self in favour of the other two, chose to disregard my own internal voice of wisdom. The consequences are what they are…

It’s not about judgment, fault or blame

I know there’s a massive breakthrough about to happen within me, because I created this outcome in life again because I have not yet heard the higher order message it has for me… 

What I know in this moment is that I am unwilling to continue this pattern, and I hold myself responsible for having done so. I don’t mean I judge or blame myself for having done this again; instead, I mean with deep respect and integrity for mySelf, I choose to allow this to become a lesson I’ve created for my own evolution. I’m not a victim to my circumstances; I chose this. And, I’m not fault-and-blaming myself for having done so. Instead, I’m looking to find the intelligence in all of this… 

While I don’t sense the full intelligence of having created this circumstance, I know for certain this is an excellent reminder to myself to just pause. In the pause, I know the truth of my experience. I know the power in stopping, and doing nothing. I know the power of choosing from the expansive space of “I AM the Creator of my life”. So, what do I want to create?

I’m curious about what happens internally in the moment of habituated responses that I (in)conveniently forget, or willfully ignore all the signs and allow my actions to be driven by habit (fear and disappointment).

In each of those pivotal moments, I could have chosen to pause, inhale, descend into my body, and make a different choice not rooted in habit. And, I didn’t.

In knowing there is more to the story than meets the eye, I begin to let go and allow what will present to make itself evident to me. Letting go, with grace, is the best option that’s available to me, in this moment.

And yet, I sense and own the resistance that I feel within me. All I want to do is to “fix” my son’s hair and therefore “fix” this “problem”… as if!  From a CODE Model™ perspective, bottom-up responses rarely get me the results I’m looking for, because as a creative Force, I’m seeking to create rather than strategize, plan, or manage. Creation is, quite simply, a higher order thought… 

So what I’m looking to cultivate is an internal landscape that when I hear the voice of wisdom say “no”, I listen, pause, do nothing, then choose from the perspective of creator rather than victim to my own circumstances.

Because knowing better does not necessarily equal to being better. And, Quantum TLC ™ is my best friend.

For now, there is nothing for me to do but allow all of this to rumble through me…

Oh, and, of course, after a much needed pause, I will eventually choose to take my son to an artist rather than a barber so that I can reclaim the experience of his first haircut once and for all. Instead of going out of impulse, I am going into it with creator mindset. I am fully paying attention to my own internal impulses. I am consciously noting if anywhere along the way I hear a “no”. If so, I am giving myself permission to change my mind when the impulse presents.

I know there’s more to this story, and for now, I’m just done…

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